May is Mental Health Awareness month.
I grew up watching someone I love dearly struggle with mental illness and even to this day refuses to get help due to the stigma. That someone is my mom.
Growing up, I witnessed troubling patterns in my parents’ relationship; my dad’s lack of empathy and my mom’s constant emotional turmoil and their attempts to resolve their conflicts with angry outbursts towards each other. My mom also grew up in a broken home where her mom walked out on her family, and I always knew she struggled emotionally with that trauma all her life. I was always told growing up that mental illness meant you were crazy and there’s nothing you can do about it, which is a big stigma in Asian culture.
Because of this stigma, my mom never got any help in her early adult life to help manage the trauma she experienced. She continues to refuse help because she’s afraid to be labeled as ‘crazy.’ It eventually caught up to her; she started having frequent mental breakdowns and outburst episodes. She’s been hospitalized twice and have had mini strokes that has now altered her behavior and increased the severity of her mental illness. I saw her happiness fade, her personality dim and her social circle shrink away. Our conversations became limited to reminiscing about past memories as well as the traumas she’s experienced in her childhood, and the growing conspiracy theories she’s been reading online.
I, too, grew up struggling with my mental health in my adolescence and early adult years. Not only did I struggle embracing my heritage and family life, but I also lived in the shadow of the stigma. I was emotionally unstable, always very anxious, and have angry outbursts when issues could not be resolved the way I expected. I am very distant to others, but also desperately searching for companionship. I’ve struggled in silence for years, but I don’t want to continue enabling the mental health stigma and don’t want to stay silent anymore.
It was not until these past years that I was able to start breaking through my barriers and began accepting the cards I was dealt with. I made significant progress after I moved out of my parents’ world and into my own. One of the things I’ve discovered that has been therapy to my soul is being able to travel internationally. By being immersed in other countries’ cultures, history and language; I started to finally acknowledge the scars from my childhood, my vulnerabilities, view the world and my surroundings in a more positive light and accept that I may have a genetic disposition to mental illness. But, I don’t underestimate my strength to overcome anymore. By exploring new places and checking off bucket items, it gave me a sense of renewal and hope that I could be whoever I choose to be. Only until a month ago, I took another step towards my healing and started talking to a therapist about my issues. It has been a difficult work-in-progress, but I know I am slowly healing and overcoming obstacles each day.
For those who have been struggling like me, please don’t be afraid to seek help and know that I understand exactly what you’re going through. 🙂
A Never Ending Bucket List 